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Mildly downer thoughts, part 1
Jul. 10th, 2006 04:54 pmI often have a lot of things running through my head.
Sometimes this makes me feel busy, useful, and needed.
Other times, the particular combination of thoughts makes me feel mildly depressed, but not exactly depressed but more dissapointed.
I have some things I feel dissapointed over.
-I feel dissapointed that K and I haven't made the official leap yet to marriage.
-I feel dissapointed that I haven't gotten myself out of debt yet.
-I feel dissapointed that I don't spend more time focussing on my other partners (then again, I never do spend enough time focussing on them)
-I feel dissapointed that I never did finish post secondary school.
-I feel dissapointed that some of my relationships didn't work, and that some that haven't happened will probably never happen.
-I feel dissapointed that, online, I don't play often enough in the realms I should be focussing on.
On the other hand,
-I feel good that I have such a loving partner as K. Could never replace that in a million years
-I'm happy that I have the relationships that I do have.
-I look forward to hearing from many of those that I am close to, both online and off.
-I feel good in that I have a job, and can keep paying bills and rent
I should take comfort in the fact that occasionally I make others smile. That I bring an iota of happiness to some others' lives. But I often feel that the happiness I bring is fleeting, that what I DO do is not enough, and never will be. I know that many of you who know me will argue that, and say I make a difference. And I will counter with saying that I know I do, but it doesn't change the fact that it doesn't feel enough sometimes.
I want to create things. I used to dabble in art, writing, poetry... but nothing is flowing lately. Nothing. It's rather... meh.
Now, I am not saying I am depressed. Yes, I feel a little down, but ... meh. Life is life, I guess. Meh. there will be further ruminations to those that will be kept nameless. A little more private than this rambling.
Sometimes this makes me feel busy, useful, and needed.
Other times, the particular combination of thoughts makes me feel mildly depressed, but not exactly depressed but more dissapointed.
I have some things I feel dissapointed over.
-I feel dissapointed that K and I haven't made the official leap yet to marriage.
-I feel dissapointed that I haven't gotten myself out of debt yet.
-I feel dissapointed that I don't spend more time focussing on my other partners (then again, I never do spend enough time focussing on them)
-I feel dissapointed that I never did finish post secondary school.
-I feel dissapointed that some of my relationships didn't work, and that some that haven't happened will probably never happen.
-I feel dissapointed that, online, I don't play often enough in the realms I should be focussing on.
On the other hand,
-I feel good that I have such a loving partner as K. Could never replace that in a million years
-I'm happy that I have the relationships that I do have.
-I look forward to hearing from many of those that I am close to, both online and off.
-I feel good in that I have a job, and can keep paying bills and rent
I should take comfort in the fact that occasionally I make others smile. That I bring an iota of happiness to some others' lives. But I often feel that the happiness I bring is fleeting, that what I DO do is not enough, and never will be. I know that many of you who know me will argue that, and say I make a difference. And I will counter with saying that I know I do, but it doesn't change the fact that it doesn't feel enough sometimes.
I want to create things. I used to dabble in art, writing, poetry... but nothing is flowing lately. Nothing. It's rather... meh.
Now, I am not saying I am depressed. Yes, I feel a little down, but ... meh. Life is life, I guess. Meh. there will be further ruminations to those that will be kept nameless. A little more private than this rambling.
